I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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