dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
