Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
