The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize