We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I touched a dick in church today
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
