So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
