We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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