Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
