$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
