You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
