i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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