He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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