a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
