No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There's always time for handjobs
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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