so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize