I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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