Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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