You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
