Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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