Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
