Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He better not be in your backpack
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
