I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
