i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
