Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
