I am spending my child support on dildos
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
