just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
