so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
