Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
