I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
