Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
