I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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