Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
