I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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