He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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