Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
