Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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