Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize