You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
