i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
