I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
