there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
