The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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