I'm jealous of your bromance
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
