her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
