I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't deserve a penis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
