I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
