I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
