I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
