meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
