just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize