did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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