So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
