I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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