i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
