I just pynch a tree in the face
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
