1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
