So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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