sarcasm needs its own font
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
