True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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