I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
