i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
