does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
