I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
